Against my better judgement, I mourned my last break up on FaceBook. After two weeks of public grieving, a cousin of mine wrote on my wall, “God hasn’t finished writing your love story yet.” Hmmm, how could that be? I wouldn’t have broken up with my last boyfriend in a million years. I was happy. It was a rude awakening to find
out he was not. Before him, I had been in a long unhappy marriage and I couldn't believe I had to go through yet another painful break up. Though devastated and lost, I was still hopelessly romantic enough to listen to my cousin.
That’s when I called Thor. When I originally met Thor I was with my last prince charming. I was certain that one was with “the one.” Yet when I met Thor, I was shocked to have thought to myself, “If I could pick anyone in this world to be with, it would be him.” I call him Thor because he reminds me of the actor Chris Hemsworth who played Thor in the movie.
We have a ton in common. We are not only both comedians, musicians and filmmakers, we are both children’s party performers. What are the chances? He is witty, quirky, smart, sweet and movie star good looking. I felt an immediate, unique connection.
I was a little shaken by these feelings, but since it was so clear we might be able to help each other business wise, I exchanged numbers with him as a colleague. The week after, I bumped into him in my neighborhood supermarket. I didn’t have makeup on. I was horrified. He said he had watched my comedy and thought I was really funny. I was over the moon. He texted soon after and suggested we set up a coffee date to see how we could work together. At this point, I was pretty freaked out by my attraction to him. I didn’t want to sabotage the great relationship I thought I was in, so I told him I was too busy with my boyfriend. It was a pretty clumsy way to handle it, though meant from a place of integrity. I am not great at being just friends with someone I feel more for, so I figured I should keep the focus on the man I was already with. I went on with my life for a couple of months and nearly forgot about Thor, until I got dumped.
After I was cried out, it seemed like a good time to set up that coffee date. My friend Frank only mourns break ups for seventy two hours. Codependents anonymous suggests a year. I hoped two weeks was enough. I was really nervous, so I had to pick a place that wouldn’t give me push back about my emotional support dog. The last thing I needed was a stress induced panic attack from an argument with a high strung barista. It makes the service dog a mute point. I don’t really like the coffee at Starbucks, I’m more of a Dunkin Donuts person, but Starbucks is amazingly hip about service dogs. We ended up taking the coffee to go, and walking with my dog near the cloisters in Fort Tryon Park. We arrived at a beautiful outlook overlooking the river and talked for hours. I brought a notebook because I was overflowing with ideas about how we could work together. It was kind of cold, so after several hours I invited him to my apartment. He seemed surprised that I was so open. I know it’s New York, but I had a strong instinct that he was very safe. My intuition did not fail me. It felt very right to have him in my home. He picked up my late father’s guitar and we played and sang for a couple of hours. So much fun! I was very giggly, and I was batting some huge false eyelashes. He asked me to clarify if I just wanted to be a colleague and a friend, or if I wanted to be lovers. Whoa. I put the question back on him. He said his intention was to be a colleague and friend but that he was open to being lovers. I have never had someone call me out so blatantly before. I said I must have been really obvious and he said I was simply really sweet. I told him I was a little bummed that his first intention wasn't clearly to be lovers. Maybe I had gotten the wrong idea the first time he asked me to have coffee, and set an unnecessary boundary. He then told me he had been married twice and wasn’t looking to do that again and he was not even looking for monogamy. He said he was polyamorous even though he hadn’t had any lovers for a year and a half. He reserves the option to have more than one lover at a time. I told him I thought polyamory was just a fancy term for slut. He agreed, and added that he’s an “ethical slut” who is always honest with all his lovers about each other. He asked me if I could handle sharing, because he would be dating multiple people at some point. It sounded terrifying and maybe a little interesting. I said I liked the idea of the freedom, since I’d been married for so long and then in another monogamous relationship right after. I went on to admit that I was a hopeless romantic though, and might end up falling in love with him. He said he understood. I probably should have run for the hills, but I just had this strong urge to spend as much time with him as possible.
The best part about Thor is that he lives two blocks from me. He started walking my dog with me almost every night. He hugged me a lot, but wouldn’t kiss me. He gave me many lectures about how I should be careful with my heart. He wanted to wait a year before getting involved. He thought we might have some kind of non-monogamous relationship that worked. He would consider me for his “primary” partner, though even that terrified him. We talked about making movies together, and going on tour doing stand-up and music, and continued to jam with his guitar.
My ex and I planned a closure date. I had taken down the altar I had made to win him back, in favor of a general happiness in life and love vision board. I was sure he would want me back though. Thor asked me jokingly if I could date them both. I said I could try. Polyamory shed new light on how I could have been so in love with my last boyfriend and still smitten with Thor at the same time. I knew that wouldn’t really be sustainable though. I had an extremely intense connection with both of them and not enough time to nurture two deep relationships. As much as I had thought I wanted my ex back, I couldn't imagine my life without Thor.
The lunch date with my ex came and went. He said all the same things that he said while he was breaking up with me. (My life stressed him out and he was too old to help me raise a special needs kid). I told him I was seeing Thor, even though we were still just friends at that point. In my heart we were already dating. My ex told me he had been dating too, and that he wanted to get married, just not to me.
I told Thor all about it on our walk that night. He gave me a book about polyamory called "The Ethical Slut." I read it eagerly, as it seemed to be a test I had to pass in order to date him. The thought of falling madly in love and then having to share my lover with someone else was excruciating. I suppose the thought of having a few lovers could be fun for me, but I couldn’t imagine being ok with my lover doing the same thing. And who has the time for lots of lovers? I personally am a single mom with a special needs kid, and having a lots of lovers could be exhausting. I decided to try it anyway. I set up a date with a friend who had been trying to seduce me for years, to show Thor that I could handle his out of the box way of life. I quickly chickened out. I was trying to be a good polyamory sport, but I was already too much in love with Thor.
The next day we celebrated his birthday at my home. His real birthday had been the day before but he doesn’t like to celebrate on that day, so I called it his unbirthday celebration. I was so glad I didn’t go out with that other guy. It seemed ironic that to get to Thor, I had to date other people. We spoke and texted all day every day, and if we didn’t walk my dog together at night, we would face time. He started coming over at least once a week for dinner on Tuesdays. I found myself cleaning all day in preparation. I hate cleaning. We would then cook a gourmet meal together. I hate cooking. This was true love.
We just kept hanging out. He was in no rush to consummate. I told him that friendship before sex is tantra. Tantra, in my understanding, is the very slow lead up to love making that involves a lot of staring into each other’s eyes, foreplay, and focusing on the journey and not the destination; the love making experience, not the orgasm. I emailed him an article about tantric sex with a very sexy picture of two lovers. Then I wore a short skirt. That night he kissed me. There is nothing like a first kiss. It was sweet and sexy and I felt it in my whole body. I could have just kissed him for a month before we went any further but in a week and a half after our first kiss, we became lovers.
Thor and I agreed that we would never get married, so the only way I was to be his lover was to be his lover. I still consider myself a Christian, and this doesn’t go along with being a Christian, but then again neither did getting divorced. Thor doesn’t consider himself to be a Christian anymore, although he still likes Jesus. He has a guru which I don’t know much about, but our spiritual paths still connect at the truth. Whenever we melt into each other, I am at one with God, the universe and everything. Now it is a year and a half later and we are still madly in love! And guess what? Monogamous! I hope this is happily ever after. Only God knows for sure.